I recall an incident where two of my friends Vish and Mohit had a conflict because of their different personality types.
Vish is a punctual man. He has high regard for his and others’ time. He lives an organised life, rarely misses a deadline and expects the same from others in matters involving him.
Mohit, on the other hand, is a laid back person. He starts working only close to deadlines, often misses them, is often late for meetings, and is insincere about his work and life in general.
Whenever Mohit and Vish had to meet in order to go somewhere or to hang out, Mohit would often be late and Vish does not like it. He tried explaining it to Mohit several times, but Mohit wouldn’t change his habits. Vish finally gave up and decided that he would just save his time by purposely going late whenever he has to meet Mohit.
There was this time when they had to meet for lunch. Vish went there half an hour late, but found Mohit waiting for him. As Mohit had an internship interview right after lunch that day, he got angry at the fact that Vish got late. He started scolding Vish. Vish got upset and came back at Mohit for often being late and wasting his time.
I had to meddle to solve their fight. So, I know both sides of the story. Here’s what they told me.
Mohit felt that it would have been acceptable if Vish had gotten late for some valid reason. However, he was angry because Vish had purposely come late, assuming that Mohit would be late. And this was despite the fact that Vish kept “lecturing” him on being punctual. Mohit felt that Vish was reprimanding him by doing this.
Vish felt that Mohit was being unreasonable as Mohit himself was usually late. He felt that if Mohit was not ready to change his habit of being late, the only way Vish could save his time in his busy schedule was by being late for meetings himself. He could not afford to waste his time like that.
If you were in my shoes, what would you tell them?
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Dear Anuj,
ReplyDeleteThat’s a pretty interesting scenario that you have posted. Being someone who values punctuality, I would say that I can identify the frustration that Vish feels. In fact, I’ve experienced the scenario of someone else coming late when I’ve arrived early many times.
What I would tell the both of them to resolve the situation is to ask Mohit for the reason that he was always late. If he was always late because he didn’t make the effort to be on time, then I would say that it’s his fault and that he shouldn’t blame Vish. It’s only natural that Vish wants to come late on purpose so that Mohit can have a taste of what it feels like to be forced to wait. It’s just unfortunate that Mohit has an internship interview that Vish didn’t know about.
If Mohit really always have a reason for being late (which I strongly doubt), then I would say that its Vish’s at fault for not taking the time to understand Mohit’s reason for his lateness.
While I have taken effort to not be biased, I identify very strongly with Vish and so some bias might have slipped into my decision making process.
Regards,
Russell
Dear Anuj,
ReplyDeleteAt first, when I read this story, I was quite surprised that they can make good friends because it seems that every time they meet, one of them must be late with or without a reason. But then I realized that this is what usually happens, at least around me. Two friends can accept each other being late and still be good friends because they are good friends and they generally don’t think it is a problem or they just get used to it. It seems fait enough, but it is in fact a potential threat to their relationship and the reason why they have this conflict; When being unpunctual interferes with one’s important stuff, it will very likely be the time that both of them will burst out their complaint on all cases of the other's being unpunctual earlier on.
Since this is not really a too serious problem, if I were you, I would therefore firstly ask both of them to calm down. I would tell Mohit though the internship interview is important, it can never compared with their years of friendship, hence instead of continuing criticizing each other, they should focus on how to avoid such incident from happening again. It is necessary to let them know that both of them are at fault, though they both have their reasons. If they agree, they should apologize to each other and make some changes. I’m quite sure, if they really treasure their friendship, this incident can actually be very helpful to them. It can be a lesson to both of them and remind them to be punctual later on.
I have encountered a similar situation years ago. I tried to mediate by calming both of them down and telling them what I thought, which was basically what I wrote in the paragraph above. And it worked. :)
Regards,
Shiyan
Hi Anuj,
ReplyDeleteYour situation reminds me of a friend of mine, who is always late for meetings. I used to be frustrated by her lateness; however, I think there are many solutions to both maintain the friendship and save the time. In my case, I always tell her to come a little bit earlier so that we can start on scheduled time.
Anyway, regarding your situation, which sounds not so serious to me, I agree with Shiyan that both of your friends need to calm down first. Then, since you are the one who knows the whole story behind this, it’s self-evident that you should tell their stories and give them some advice so that they won’t repeat such mistakes again.
Hope that their friendships won’t fall apart in the future because of such trivial faults.
Regards,
Dam Long
Dear all,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your views.
Russell, I can perfectly understand how you associate more with one person. It is perfectly alright as that is just your personality trait.
ShiYan and Dam Long, you are right in that such an incident can be dangerous to their friendship. Your suggestion on what should be done seem good. Here's what I did.
I had to follow a very systematic approach to resolve the issue and to make sure they hear each other out sensibly. I sat with both of them, asked them to be quiet and told them each other's views one by one. Then, I asked Vish to comment on Mohit's views and Mohit to comment on Vish's. After they had both said what the other felt, I asked them to come up with a mutual solution. It was tough patching them up. I had to use various emotions, such as getting them to do it "for my sake" or even a little threatening. But finally, they mutually agreed that they would both be punctual and at least inform the other if they are going to be late.
Cheers,
Anuj